i find that i'm not as motivated to post when there's an absence of homeschooling projects going on. chanda does math and italian on her own, and writing with a friend and her mom on thursday afternoon's at the friend's house. she also attends a history class (taught by a homeschool mom who is a history professor) at our local library. in between she has two private ballet classes per week, a pas de deux class once a week (these are morning hours) and then a ballet class every afternoon with an extra modern class friday afternoons before the ballet class . . and then ballet saturday morning followed by an acting class (with a teacher who is also a dear friend) . . and then there's also separate rehearsal studio times for her solo for the modern class . . and then one babysitting job on wednesday afternoons . . she's also been researching ballet schools and filling out application forms, writing a few essays and preparing photos and dance pieces for video auditions. there's not much time for a project with me. is there a project with me? well, sort of . . we're supposed to be reading a tale of two cities together . . but she hasn't been enthusiastic so i haven't been insistent or diligent or . . well . . motivated!
energy. vigor. incentive. desire. action. motivation. these words don't apply to me these days and i wish they did. i feel wistful, somber and heartsick. it's difficult finding a silver lining. i miss all my dead family members and am mourning the ones who are fading before they've even completely faded. i just miss old times . . i miss being with my mom and dad out at the beach . . i miss this more than anything.
i guess i just miss my dad and i honestly never thought i would. what a funny thing to write! but it's true. i never thought i would miss him like this. we fought so hard and at times i hated him so much and was always jealous of the openness he had with my nephews that i wanted for myself. we were so much alike and now everyday i see parts of him in all three of my girls but mainly in . . korrina and i. the three of us were or are . . really . . three peas in a pod.
so maybe i should change the above picture to one of my dad, rather than yesterday's breakfast cereal.
Big, big hugs dear friend. It must be hard adjusting to the fact that your role as a homeschool mum is changing and coupled with the absence of dear family members, no wonder you are feeling lost at the moment. Keeping you in prayer San x
ReplyDeleteThank you San :) I'm trying to find my new path!
DeleteYou know, I once read when a close person dies, even a person you did not like very much and you thought you hated, only the good memories stay (well, I guess that would not apply to really evil people). Maybe that is what is happening right now. When we are with people we do not get along with so well, we are so wrapped up in OUR OWN feelings that we cannot really step beyond them. But once a person is gone, it all changes.
ReplyDeleteYes, this must be true. There is so much I'm having to cope with that I couldn't work through when he was alive. I was totally wrapped up in my own feelings . . (sigh). Sometimes it's so difficult to be open . .
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