i haven't posted in awhile because i've been swimming in a sea of change. i've been swimming in this sea for awhile now and i didn't think it could get any worse, but it did. i'm too sensitive to these inbalances. my sister takes all these changes in stride, but i moon and moan and whine (inside myself, of course). hmm. maybe we're just all too sensitive to these changes, but some of us just complain more. like me. well, complain to myself. i'm not saying my sister doesn't feel these things, she just seems to be a lot sturdier. less sappy. less nostalgic. i've been distancing myself from chanda because she needs to take more control of her path, though i'm still helping quite a lot, as any parent does. being the youngest child, i see the struggles that we have more clearly than she does. there's no younger child to pass the baton to. there's a dependency we have with our mothers that the older ones don't have. i'm trying to give her space, but i realize that i hold her back in some respects, because she's the baby. just as i was. we have a home to hold together. we're the last of the children; at home.
she's forging her path, slowly but surely. i have confidence that she'll make it, even if it doesn't seem to be flying at the moment! and slowly, but surely, i'm trying to find my next goals. having been a stay at home mom for so long, i don't know what my next focus will be. as a person who has always had a strong focus, this leaves me feeling confused. i've never been in the position of not knowing what to do. but you know what, i don't know what to do!!!
i'll find it. it'll just take time.
