several years ago i read an article about the playwright sam shepard in which he mentioned feeling overwhelming despair each morning that he woke. unfortunately, this is something i can relate to, and it's something that has been consuming me for the past month. it has been consuming me not only in the morning, but also at odd moments throughout the day. a sudden wave of utter sadness rises up and bowls me over and i feel as if i can't breathe. this also happens in the middle of the night and i'll wake from an odd dream gasping for breath. the last time i read through laura ingalls wilder's
little house series, i remember coming to the part when mary leaves home after a visit to return to her school. ma and laura, carrie and baby grace watch her leave and then ma turns back into the house and starts to attend to the chores, saying, "busy hands make a light heart." well, one really has to work hard to make one's hands busy to create a light heart. it takes a strong will to focus on a task and let go of the pain. it takes time and it finally takes a feeling of disgust with all the inner whining. one just gets sick and tired of being sick and tired. of course the pain is all still there, it's just been cocooned for awhile, in soft silk.
the other part of the drama for me is eliminating sugar. i can manage a bite of dark chocolate a day, but sugar is a real poison for me, and it always takes me awhile coming off the holidays to get back on a no sugar routine. of course, it's march now, how long can one hang onto holiday treats?!
of course it has been a difficult few years . . and greg is in florida now spending time with his dad while his dad slowly fades . .
i love our dads and can't help but wish right now that they didn't have to die.
