i haven't posted in awhile because i've been swimming in a sea of change. i've been swimming in this sea for awhile now and i didn't think it could get any worse, but it did. i'm too sensitive to these inbalances. my sister takes all these changes in stride, but i moon and moan and whine (inside myself, of course). hmm. maybe we're just all too sensitive to these changes, but some of us just complain more. like me. well, complain to myself. i'm not saying my sister doesn't feel these things, she just seems to be a lot sturdier. less sappy. less nostalgic. i've been distancing myself from chanda because she needs to take more control of her path, though i'm still helping quite a lot, as any parent does. being the youngest child, i see the struggles that we have more clearly than she does. there's no younger child to pass the baton to. there's a dependency we have with our mothers that the older ones don't have. i'm trying to give her space, but i realize that i hold her back in some respects, because she's the baby. just as i was. we have a home to hold together. we're the last of the children; at home.
she's forging her path, slowly but surely. i have confidence that she'll make it, even if it doesn't seem to be flying at the moment! and slowly, but surely, i'm trying to find my next goals. having been a stay at home mom for so long, i don't know what my next focus will be. as a person who has always had a strong focus, this leaves me feeling confused. i've never been in the position of not knowing what to do. but you know what, i don't know what to do!!!
i'll find it. it'll just take time.
Sending you big, big, hugs dear friend. Change is really hard and not having a plan can really feel as if you are floundering. I am reading a lovely self reflective book written by Margaret Silf, entitled "All At Sea With God." I think this book would be really helpful for you at this phase in your life.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and keeping you in prayers xoxoxoxoxox
Thanks for your love and book suggestion, San :)
DeleteSo glad you posted again :). I have missed your entries here! I still have my "baby" with me and she is truly still small, but since Jonathan has left, I have been thinking about all the years he was growing up and how fast it went. I think the same when I see my German students: They are Jonathan's age and could be my own children! Now he is trying to build his own life and we have to step back a bit and just watch (although it is never wrong to give advice, especially when he asks for it). I guess when the children are leaving, the focus of family life should turn back to our husbands. They are still there after all! Maybe the challnge is now to rediscover them and find a new purpose in life together. Or to see what good we could do in wider circles, our communities? A good friend of ours, the retired French professor, has started to tutor French and also do translation work. Last week he told me, he decided to work as an ambulance driver here. There is just one ambulance here and all drivers are volunteers. I was very impressed by this new turn in his life. Another professor I know, also retired, has decided to become a bus driver for special needs children. Both of these people have decided to do something worthwhile for a wider circle of people. I don't know if my lines here are any good or are helpful, but maybe they cheer you up a bit.
ReplyDeleteI am sending lots of love to the other end of our state!
Thanks for writing, Eva. Your retired college professors have chosen some exciting new work. It sounds very healthy and satisfying. I have been watching and listening to older people and the paths they have taken. One of my neighbors works diligently on her photography, another on her pottery. Another neighbor moved out to New Jersey and continues with her actor management position while perfecting her golfing technique :) On our travels we met many older citizens who live out of their RVs. They even sold their homes and exclusively travel, picking different places to winter in each year. I have another friend who decided to be a social worker after being home with her child for many years, and another who now designs costumes for off-broadway theatres . . so many paths . .
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